Gluten allergy confirmed.
I knew that it would be...I became suspicious a few weeks ago and began to do my own elimination tests. Remove gluten for a week, put it back in...and boom. Seriously feel like shit. I went and got the food panel testing done, and today was the day that all of my questions would be answered.
What I never would have an anticipated is that I am not only allergic to gluten, but a slew of other things. Ready for this list? It's hilarious!
Gluten
Wheat
Yeast (Brewers and bakers)
Broccoli
Cauliflower
Cabbage
Green peas
Peanuts
Cows milk
Yogurt
Broccoli? Broccoli? Are you fucking kidding me? WHO IS ALLERGIC TO BROCCOLI!!???? And yeast? I mean, I guess if I'm allergic to gluten it kind of goes hand in hand. And I shouldn't be at all surprised to find that I am allergic to these two things. Last night for dinner I made myself a very conservatively sized bowl of gluten free pasta, added in a small amount of broccoli and made a vegan alfredo sauce that was gluten free but not yeast free, as it contains nutritional yeast. I woke up this morning with a completely puffy face, swollen eye lids, dark circles, and a stomach that looked about 4 months pregnant. Oh, big surprise. You're allergic to broccoli and yeast. In addition to being miserable from that, I'm pretty sure I'm experiencing a delayed allergic reaction to all the junk I ate at a wedding I went to over the weekend.
Having a gluten allergy poses a large problem for someone that eats mostly vegetarian. All of the fake out meat products that I've been basically living on and rather enjoying for the past four year are totally off the table right now. And sure, tofu and beans have protein, but how much tofu and beans can I really eat? And while its true that I love to eat fish, too much fish will eventually make me feel really awful too.
So I'm at a bit of a loss right now. But I'm ready. Ready to lay myself bare and grieve my losses.
Bread
Oh bread. The most perfect of perfect foods. What is better than bread? Who doesn't love to eat bread? Never ever in the history of man kind has someone been 'all set' with that disgusting, awful bread stuff. Bread is good on its own as well as good covered in anything...never mind good, bread is great. The ultimate comfort food.
I woke up on Monday morning with quite possibly one of the most awful hangovers I've ever been subject to. And not only did I have to just deal with having this awful hangover, but I also had to get on a plane with this terrible hangover. I woke up in the morning was straight up useless...I kept on walking around my hotel room trying to figure out how I was going to get out of getting on a plane. I had completely failed to pack up my bags the night before and of course had shit strewn from one end of our hotel room to the other. There exists in this world only one thing to remedy a hangover so intense: A bagel. So I did it. A shitty, dry, flavorless Florida bagel. And it sucked. But at the time, that bagel kicked ass.
Bread - I will miss you profoundly. I have enjoyed you with many a dip, hummus, oil and herb combination, sandwich stuffs and the like. I've enjoyed you in square form, crusty form, bagel form, fried form, and in every flavor under the sun. I remember once eating chocolate bread. You had chocolate chips in you. You were wonderful. I loved you once. I will always love you.
Coniferous Vegetables
I had no idea that I would find myself allergic to this entire food group. But here I am, saying goodbye to some of my most favorite vegetables.
Oh, broccoli. You have been the star of my curries. The champion of stir frys. The vegetable to which all other veggies have had to measure against. The panko bread crumb covered gem in the vegetable tempura platter. The brown sauce covered magic of the best chinese food dish ever conceived. But lets be honest, you make me feel like ass, and I sadly and with great regret will never ever eat you again.
Peanuts
Woah woah woah. Peanuts are awesome and I am totally sad. Never would have guessed peanuts...I thought that a peanut allergy automatically meant anaphylactic shock...but no. They can just make you feel like garbage.
Good bye peanut butter. Good bye peanut sauce. Good bye peanuts on planes. Good bye honey roasted peanuts. Good bye so many things. So long.
Green peas
I don't even know where to go with this one. So random.
Fro-yo
Ok so I realized this weekend that I FUCKING LOVE THE SHIT out of frozen yogurt. Its one of those things that I totally haven't eaten in years as I've basically haven't had dairy for ever. I guess all I can say is that I'm glad that we at least were able to have our moment this weekend.
Frozen yogurt - you were like that thing that I knew I shouldn't have had but felt so good doing it anyway. Our reunion/affair was brief, but it was awesome. If I could change anything, I would have smothered you in hot fudge and peanut butter sauce. Lots and lots of peanut butter sauce. And I would have had much more of you. Lots and lots and lots. Goodbye fro-yo, it was good while it lasted.
Pita chips
Pita chips are like possibly my most favorite food. I could eat pita chips at any meal, any time of the day. I have totally woken up in the morning and eaten pita chips, not hung over or anything just really wanting pita chips. The whole grain ones were my favorite, but all of them suited my fancy.
Pita chips, you are truly a sad one to say good bye to. We've had some great times together, you and I. You were my most favorite food friend to watch TV with. Our mutual love for hummus is unmatched. You were great with all kinds of dips and spreads. The perfect crunch to accompany any sandwich. You made coming home to a snack a thing of pure celebration. Pita chips, I shall mourn thee.
Greek Yogurt
You and I were just becoming like really, really good friends. And then you like spit in my face and betrayed me. Fuck you greek yogurt. Fuck. You.
Dips and sauces of all sorts
You know whats really annoying about having a wheat energy? Generally everything. But what is most aggravating about it is that wheat is in FUCKING EVERYTHINNNGGGGG. And it hides, like a little shitty coward, in the best of foods that you would never think it would hide in. Like sauces, dips and dressings.
This is basically how I knew that I likely had a wheat/gluten allergy to begin with. A couple of months ago when I decided to go mostly raw (raw all day from morning till dinner time), I felt alright but not awesome. SO while I went mostly whole hog on the raw throughout the day thing, I typically used store bought, bottled dressings. Guess what those dressings where full of? MOTHER FUCKING STUPID ASS GLUTEN.
Goodbye all of my favorite dressings. Goddess dressing...you're...well Goddess like and I will totally miss you. That really awesome and expensive miso dressing from Whole foods...I'll miss your delicious ass as well. All those awesome sauces that everything that is wonderful and good on this earth is covered in, you're all full of wheat, and I am totally, totally pissed at you.
Veggie Burgers
The one thing in this world that I could count on. And you're chock full of gluten and wheat. I used to go out to eat and pray to find you on a menu. Now...you mean nothing to me.
Peanut Butter Cups
; (
Chicpea Cutlets
GRrrrrrrr you were like my most favorite vegan treat. So delicious and full of protein. I had so much pride in you, so much adoration for you. I used to make you, cover you in buffalo sauce, and brag to all my friends the awesomeness that you brought me in my vegan diet. I used to watch with pride as entire plates of you would be gobbled up by meat eaters at parties...so proud was I to have you represent my non meat eating ways. But now in the face of a gluten allergy.....no more chicpea cutlets. No more.
Vodka
Hey vodka - you and I have had a confusing relationship. I experimented with you a whole lot in my early drinking career. I mixed you with all sorts of things, and occasionally now find myself in that very spot, tempting fate and hoping for the best. As of recently, I thought we had a pretty solid relationship. I finally figured out who we could be with one another, we have finally found our comfort zone. And then there you go, letting me down and making me feel like garbage, even if I didn't drink too much of you. I guess there are worse things. I hear there is a nice potato version of you. I guess we shall see.
Veggie Hot Dogs
There is just no way in hell I'm going to eat real hot dogs. I'm so mad about this one that I wont even consider writing up a silly italicized goodbye.
Beer
Beer deserves nothing short of an italicized goodbye....
Hello beer.
I don't even know where to begin. Its like breaking up with someone that you've been with for so long that you've grown with them, changed with them, evolved in fact....
I feel like I've lost a good friend, a best friend in fact. I remember back in college when I was too socially anxious to make it into the studio or a party...you were there to help me. Honey Brown - you and me were soooooo good. I loved your sweet, caramel flavor and your smooth finish. Your drinkability was unmatched, and it was why you were my drink of choice. Dinner? Nah. I'll just have a six'er of Honey Brown.
Honey Brown remained my standard for a long time but I ventured into other beers. I have my favorites but I've always liked to mix it up. The sheer variety of beer is perhaps its most intriguing quality, a beer for every occasion, feeling and mood. I've always enjoyed trying a new beer, something fancy, something obscure. But be it a Sammy Smith Oatmeal Stout, or a corona light with a slice of lime...I've craved it. I've wanted it, and most importantly, I've savored it to the last drop.
So here I am, now knowing for certain that we are through. I love you, I desire you, but lets be real, you're making me feel like fucking shit. And while I truly, really love beer.... I really really hate feeling like shit. So you and me..beer...we have to take a break. You're worse than a boyfriend that has treated me bad. You're every where I look no matter how far I run. You've been an integral part of some of the most incredible experiences I've ever had...from Quilmes in Argentina, to Bitch Beer in Idaho, to the Breckenridge Beers of Colorado... to the sweet Honey Brown nectar that defined my youth, you've been there, and I have remembered you fondly. And as I have to look on and watch others enjoy you on a regular basis for the rest of my life, I will sit there, envious, desiring, and pretty much generally bullshit...for you are the true casualty of my food allergy realization.
I knew that it would be...I became suspicious a few weeks ago and began to do my own elimination tests. Remove gluten for a week, put it back in...and boom. Seriously feel like shit. I went and got the food panel testing done, and today was the day that all of my questions would be answered.
What I never would have an anticipated is that I am not only allergic to gluten, but a slew of other things. Ready for this list? It's hilarious!
Gluten
Wheat
Yeast (Brewers and bakers)
Broccoli
Cauliflower
Cabbage
Green peas
Peanuts
Cows milk
Yogurt
Broccoli? Broccoli? Are you fucking kidding me? WHO IS ALLERGIC TO BROCCOLI!!???? And yeast? I mean, I guess if I'm allergic to gluten it kind of goes hand in hand. And I shouldn't be at all surprised to find that I am allergic to these two things. Last night for dinner I made myself a very conservatively sized bowl of gluten free pasta, added in a small amount of broccoli and made a vegan alfredo sauce that was gluten free but not yeast free, as it contains nutritional yeast. I woke up this morning with a completely puffy face, swollen eye lids, dark circles, and a stomach that looked about 4 months pregnant. Oh, big surprise. You're allergic to broccoli and yeast. In addition to being miserable from that, I'm pretty sure I'm experiencing a delayed allergic reaction to all the junk I ate at a wedding I went to over the weekend.
Having a gluten allergy poses a large problem for someone that eats mostly vegetarian. All of the fake out meat products that I've been basically living on and rather enjoying for the past four year are totally off the table right now. And sure, tofu and beans have protein, but how much tofu and beans can I really eat? And while its true that I love to eat fish, too much fish will eventually make me feel really awful too.
So I'm at a bit of a loss right now. But I'm ready. Ready to lay myself bare and grieve my losses.
Bread
Oh bread. The most perfect of perfect foods. What is better than bread? Who doesn't love to eat bread? Never ever in the history of man kind has someone been 'all set' with that disgusting, awful bread stuff. Bread is good on its own as well as good covered in anything...never mind good, bread is great. The ultimate comfort food.
I woke up on Monday morning with quite possibly one of the most awful hangovers I've ever been subject to. And not only did I have to just deal with having this awful hangover, but I also had to get on a plane with this terrible hangover. I woke up in the morning was straight up useless...I kept on walking around my hotel room trying to figure out how I was going to get out of getting on a plane. I had completely failed to pack up my bags the night before and of course had shit strewn from one end of our hotel room to the other. There exists in this world only one thing to remedy a hangover so intense: A bagel. So I did it. A shitty, dry, flavorless Florida bagel. And it sucked. But at the time, that bagel kicked ass.
Bread - I will miss you profoundly. I have enjoyed you with many a dip, hummus, oil and herb combination, sandwich stuffs and the like. I've enjoyed you in square form, crusty form, bagel form, fried form, and in every flavor under the sun. I remember once eating chocolate bread. You had chocolate chips in you. You were wonderful. I loved you once. I will always love you.
Coniferous Vegetables
I had no idea that I would find myself allergic to this entire food group. But here I am, saying goodbye to some of my most favorite vegetables.
Oh, broccoli. You have been the star of my curries. The champion of stir frys. The vegetable to which all other veggies have had to measure against. The panko bread crumb covered gem in the vegetable tempura platter. The brown sauce covered magic of the best chinese food dish ever conceived. But lets be honest, you make me feel like ass, and I sadly and with great regret will never ever eat you again.
Peanuts
Woah woah woah. Peanuts are awesome and I am totally sad. Never would have guessed peanuts...I thought that a peanut allergy automatically meant anaphylactic shock...but no. They can just make you feel like garbage.
Good bye peanut butter. Good bye peanut sauce. Good bye peanuts on planes. Good bye honey roasted peanuts. Good bye so many things. So long.
Green peas
I don't even know where to go with this one. So random.
Fro-yo
Ok so I realized this weekend that I FUCKING LOVE THE SHIT out of frozen yogurt. Its one of those things that I totally haven't eaten in years as I've basically haven't had dairy for ever. I guess all I can say is that I'm glad that we at least were able to have our moment this weekend.
Frozen yogurt - you were like that thing that I knew I shouldn't have had but felt so good doing it anyway. Our reunion/affair was brief, but it was awesome. If I could change anything, I would have smothered you in hot fudge and peanut butter sauce. Lots and lots of peanut butter sauce. And I would have had much more of you. Lots and lots and lots. Goodbye fro-yo, it was good while it lasted.
Pita chips
Pita chips are like possibly my most favorite food. I could eat pita chips at any meal, any time of the day. I have totally woken up in the morning and eaten pita chips, not hung over or anything just really wanting pita chips. The whole grain ones were my favorite, but all of them suited my fancy.
Pita chips, you are truly a sad one to say good bye to. We've had some great times together, you and I. You were my most favorite food friend to watch TV with. Our mutual love for hummus is unmatched. You were great with all kinds of dips and spreads. The perfect crunch to accompany any sandwich. You made coming home to a snack a thing of pure celebration. Pita chips, I shall mourn thee.
Greek Yogurt
You and I were just becoming like really, really good friends. And then you like spit in my face and betrayed me. Fuck you greek yogurt. Fuck. You.
Dips and sauces of all sorts
You know whats really annoying about having a wheat energy? Generally everything. But what is most aggravating about it is that wheat is in FUCKING EVERYTHINNNGGGGG. And it hides, like a little shitty coward, in the best of foods that you would never think it would hide in. Like sauces, dips and dressings.
This is basically how I knew that I likely had a wheat/gluten allergy to begin with. A couple of months ago when I decided to go mostly raw (raw all day from morning till dinner time), I felt alright but not awesome. SO while I went mostly whole hog on the raw throughout the day thing, I typically used store bought, bottled dressings. Guess what those dressings where full of? MOTHER FUCKING STUPID ASS GLUTEN.
Goodbye all of my favorite dressings. Goddess dressing...you're...well Goddess like and I will totally miss you. That really awesome and expensive miso dressing from Whole foods...I'll miss your delicious ass as well. All those awesome sauces that everything that is wonderful and good on this earth is covered in, you're all full of wheat, and I am totally, totally pissed at you.
Veggie Burgers
The one thing in this world that I could count on. And you're chock full of gluten and wheat. I used to go out to eat and pray to find you on a menu. Now...you mean nothing to me.
Peanut Butter Cups
; (
Chicpea Cutlets
GRrrrrrrr you were like my most favorite vegan treat. So delicious and full of protein. I had so much pride in you, so much adoration for you. I used to make you, cover you in buffalo sauce, and brag to all my friends the awesomeness that you brought me in my vegan diet. I used to watch with pride as entire plates of you would be gobbled up by meat eaters at parties...so proud was I to have you represent my non meat eating ways. But now in the face of a gluten allergy.....no more chicpea cutlets. No more.
Vodka
Hey vodka - you and I have had a confusing relationship. I experimented with you a whole lot in my early drinking career. I mixed you with all sorts of things, and occasionally now find myself in that very spot, tempting fate and hoping for the best. As of recently, I thought we had a pretty solid relationship. I finally figured out who we could be with one another, we have finally found our comfort zone. And then there you go, letting me down and making me feel like garbage, even if I didn't drink too much of you. I guess there are worse things. I hear there is a nice potato version of you. I guess we shall see.
Veggie Hot Dogs
There is just no way in hell I'm going to eat real hot dogs. I'm so mad about this one that I wont even consider writing up a silly italicized goodbye.
Beer
Beer deserves nothing short of an italicized goodbye....
Hello beer.
I don't even know where to begin. Its like breaking up with someone that you've been with for so long that you've grown with them, changed with them, evolved in fact....
I feel like I've lost a good friend, a best friend in fact. I remember back in college when I was too socially anxious to make it into the studio or a party...you were there to help me. Honey Brown - you and me were soooooo good. I loved your sweet, caramel flavor and your smooth finish. Your drinkability was unmatched, and it was why you were my drink of choice. Dinner? Nah. I'll just have a six'er of Honey Brown.
Honey Brown remained my standard for a long time but I ventured into other beers. I have my favorites but I've always liked to mix it up. The sheer variety of beer is perhaps its most intriguing quality, a beer for every occasion, feeling and mood. I've always enjoyed trying a new beer, something fancy, something obscure. But be it a Sammy Smith Oatmeal Stout, or a corona light with a slice of lime...I've craved it. I've wanted it, and most importantly, I've savored it to the last drop.
So here I am, now knowing for certain that we are through. I love you, I desire you, but lets be real, you're making me feel like fucking shit. And while I truly, really love beer.... I really really hate feeling like shit. So you and me..beer...we have to take a break. You're worse than a boyfriend that has treated me bad. You're every where I look no matter how far I run. You've been an integral part of some of the most incredible experiences I've ever had...from Quilmes in Argentina, to Bitch Beer in Idaho, to the Breckenridge Beers of Colorado... to the sweet Honey Brown nectar that defined my youth, you've been there, and I have remembered you fondly. And as I have to look on and watch others enjoy you on a regular basis for the rest of my life, I will sit there, envious, desiring, and pretty much generally bullshit...for you are the true casualty of my food allergy realization.
