Bleck.

So...its been a while.  I'll be honest friends, life is catching up with me. My carefree, throw caution to the wind, hangin' every night of the week boozin habits are starting to wear me down. That or I have food allergies.

  I went to the doctor for the first time in over a year a half, and it was my first physical in probably over 3. I'm of the attitude and opinion that if you take care of yourself, then you probably don't need the doctor, however, that attitude is really only to mask my bigger issue with the medical community: I'm scared of it.

I'm the opposite of a hypochondriac. I'd rather think that absolutely nothing is wrong with me in the face of strange symptoms than to imagine that I have every ailment in the book. I can tell you right now I will never have cancer. Why? Cause I won't. So there.  And I've gone on ignoring certain underlying, health related problems for a while now, believing they would go away, truly hoping and willing that I would just get better soon enough, that it would just be a distant memory of 'oh...remember when I wasn't feeling that great...so glad I got over that one...'

  But this week I did the big girl thing and finally went into see a doctor, I won't bore you or expose my very personal problems by telling you what my current issues are, just suffice it to say that I am under the impression that I have been the unlucky victim most recently seized by the gluten allergy phenomenon.  I could be completely wrong, but I know this much. Something that I am eating is making me feel like absolute shit. And I will get down to the bottom of it. I was tested yesterday for 96 different food allergies, results will be revealed in two weeks from yesterday.

  What's with everyone currently being allergic to gluten anyway? I work with two ladies that have gluten allergies. It was hardly even a part of my vocabulary until I started working at this place a mere 4 months ago.  And now all of the sudden its gluten free this, gluten free that...is this shit contagious or something? Probably not.

 Being presented with even the mere potential of having a food allergy is a sad event.  The idea of having to say goodbye to certain foods is daunting, but I'm ready to do it if it will make me feel better. It was only 4 years ago that I ate my final turkey sandwich w/ mayo and said 'fuck this shit'. The only problem is that I'm probably allergic to things that are for more annoying and tricky to cut out.  And being allergic to something is far different from having a thoughtful reason to eliminate things from your diet.  Having an allergy is not a choice.

  I hope I'm getting ahead of myself...I have no definitive answers yet...just based in fact assumptions that  I will probably be gravely disappointed in finding out. What ever, fucking food.

: / 

The Day My Identity Kind of Got Stolen

Monday, Monday. I woke up this morning around 3am and my mind was a flutter. This happens to me every once in a while. I wake up in the middle of the night and begin perseverating on something absolutely ridiculous. Last night all I could think of was karaoke, and it kept me awake for hours.

It would be about three and a half hours before I'd fall asleep again. Three and a half hours spent thinking about karaoke? Are you serious? I'd say I probably thought about karaoke for an hour, the other two and half were spent thinking about why I had thought about karaoke for a solid hour, in the middle of the night at the beginning of the week.

And the thirst. Oh the thirst was unbearable last night. I got out of bed to pour myself three tall, beautiful and delicious glasses of pure Brita happiness into my good night cup. Sure, it felt great going down, but the getting up every hour to get more water only aggravated my sleepless condition even more. I also have this belief, which may be pure wives tale, that if you rub the sand from your eyes you rub the sleepies away. I rubbed the sleep away several times last night, and I know it kept me up.

Regardless, all I could think of was how much I wanted a karaoke machine. My life would be complete, if only I had a karaoke machine, and/or if I could just fall asleep and stop thinking about karaoke.  I tossed and turned, anxiety riddled and worried that I'd never fall asleep again, or own a karaoke machine.  There is nothing worse than not being able to fall asleep when you know that you need too. I had passed out so easily only a couple of hours before. My bed is really comfortable, my sheets very soft and my fans very loud and blustery, just as I like it. And yet sleep would not come for me. And what amazes me most about this scenario and the way it plays out every time is that I refuse against my better judgment to just get out of bed for a little while and try and do something else. Instead, I just lay there, listening to my heart beat and thinking the same whacked out thoughts over and over again. How will I ever afford a karaoke machine? If I owned a karaoke machine I'd make sure that I had all of the Dolly Parton discs I could find. If I had a karaoke machine, I'd probably have more friends.  Over and over and over again.

So I get out of bed at a quarter of 8, completely out of sorts and hop in the shower. I basically feel drunk and completely disoriented. I do my best to pull myself together but find myself getting back into bed after taking a shower. A quick 20 minute nap, that will do it.

So of course a quick 20 minute nap does absolutely nothing for me. I continue getting ready and decide that I will treat myself to some kind of breakfast that I don't prepare myself. I had no idea what this would be, but I knew that I would be leaving the house a little early to make sure I could find something.  I decide to check my Bank of America balance online before heading out of the house.

Um, HEELLLLOOOOOOO YOUR ACCOUNT HAS BEEN OVER DRAWN BY $2800.00!!!!!!!!

What? How the fuck did this happen? Did I order a really expensive and awesome karaoke machine in my sleep last night? Oh wait, impossible, because I DIDN'T SLEEP LAST NIGHT.

Obviously I begin to panic, I break out into a sweat, I start shaking, hyperventilating, assuming the most ridiculous things about how my account could have been so overdrawn. This was not what I needed this morning. What I thought I needed was a Kombucha drink from Whole Foods on my way to work. No, instead, I got the surprise of my life, and the threat of a stolen identity.

Who would want to steal my identity?  Did I annoy Adam to the point that this morning he said 'fuck it' and stole my check book, wrote himself a check for three grand and headed for the border? Damn it Adam! You know I don't have three thousand dollars!   I know that this is ridiculous, it only crossed my mind for about a fraction of a second, but it still crossed my mind. I don't even take my check book out of the house with me, so I knew that I hadn't lost it. Would my parents have stolen my check book when they were here this past weekend? Damn it parents! You know I don't have three thousand dollars!

So I call the bank and I'm basically hysterically crying, a tactic that I knew would get me all of my money back even if I was totally at fault for whatever had happened (seriously, when I fell asleep for an hour, did I get on my computer and order a karaoke machine?). The woman is very nice and helpful, and we're working to get this all straightened out, when I decide to click on the transaction and look further into this mess. The $3000 was taken out via check. I clicked on the check image...it was a check written out by me to the Commonwealth of Massachusetts for the taxes I owed, $141.

How the hell do you process a check for $141 for $3000? Seriously Commonwealth, what is going on here? Its not like $30.00 turned into $3000 because some schmo forgot to put in a decimal point, 141 and 3000 look nothing alike. They don't even kind of share any of the same numerals. The woman at BOA explained that the check was processed wrong, um....duh? What the fuck?  I just spent the last 30 minutes accusing all of my loved ones of stealing money from me and accusing myself of shopping in my sleep for expensive karaoke machine equipment? Not the best way to start a Monday, or a week for that matter.

So thanks Commonwealth of Massachusetts. Because it wasn't sucky enough sending you a check for $141, you had to scare the shit out of me by making me think that my entire life and identity was at the disposal of some unknown looney toon with my checkbook. What is scariest is that I assumed that looney toon to be myself. The upside...it did wake me up.

Sweet Relief

Some days are better than others. Today was a great day, for instance.

  On May 26th of last year I had the rug yanked from underneath me by a former employer.  I had lost my job quite literally all of the sudden and had no idea what to do next.  For the first three hours I panicked. I was brought back down by my friends and quickly settled into the idea of not having a job but earning unemployment benefits all summer while essentially doing whatever the fuck I wanted within my means. Sure my means weren't great, but that doesn't matter when in the summer all that matters is sunshine, gardening, and drinking PBR. Life was good for a couple of months. Unpredictable and for the most part monetarily poor, but hell, it was a beautiful summer.

 But like a said, a couple of months is small when in comparison I ended up being unemployed for 7 months. And it would have gone on much longer, because I was basically unemployable.


 On paper, I looked like hell. On my resume I listed house painting for ten years, for a man who is clearly my father. I did decorative painting for one year, and in between all that is a slew of lame and unimpressive low skill jobs.  I had nothing to go on, and quite honestly, besides not wanting to be a house painter, no house painting contractor (who is a man) would in their right mind hire me. And I don't blame them. Women are a pain in the ass to have on a job site. And its not because we're not awesome, its because other men on job sites are retarded. I've explained this in previous posts, so I don't think I need to go into details. My old boss hired me because he had mental issues and needed to have someone to dominate because he was a pathetic dude, which I guess in his small mind meant having a woman around. Yep. Said it.  I say this not because I think woman are easy to dominate (cause we're not, and he learned that, which is probably why I got let go), but because he had a pattern of mostly hiring women, and when he did hire men, he had a very obvious boundary when it came to anyone else showing him up in even the smallest way. Men didn't last long with him.
 Anyway, I spent a long time trying to find a job. I applied to multiple places where my paint resume was completely not applicable, but I wrote very thoughtful cover letters that I thought conveyed my interest in what ever thing I was applying for in a meaningful way. 'fraid not my friends, cause I basically never landed interviews.
  And then a miracle happened, and it all started at jewelry night at a friends house. I won't bore you with the details, but it was as serendipitous as it gets. That ring led to a series of events that I never predicted. I wear that ring with intense pride, it's what I consider to be the catalyst that began my ascent towards employment-hood.

 So here I am, nearly 3 months later. Today I was finally offered the permanent position of Office Coordinator in the office that I have been temping at.  I work in a position that I would have never imagined having, in a place that I never thought I would be. And it sounds silly, because 'office coordinator' admittedly does not sound that awesome. And it especially does not sound that awesome for some one like me, an artist. But you know what? This job rocks! Guess what! Time for a list! I love lists!

5 reasons why working in an office is like totally the coolest.

#1. Regulated climate
  This is so key. And I never really knew it was something that I cared a lot about until I worked in an office. I'm used to either being way way way too cold or inordinately warm in all my work experiences. Last summer I worked for my dad for a little while in the duration of unemployment (I know thats terribly illegal, but he's my pops! I don't think that counts!), and it was so motherfucking hot out there, in that crazy ass June on Long Island heat. I was like melting into puddles of already melted humans, it was so gross. And the spiders, Oh the spiders! It was so unfair. Bugs everywhere. Pants sticking to thighs. Unrelenting humidity. It was like working in a jungle. Do you have any idea what it is like to work with oil primer when it is 90 degrees and the air is literally sopping wet? Its the biggest bullshit joke upon bullshit that bullshit has ever considered pulling a joke on. Awful.
  And I did finally break. I threw a hissy fit and decided I was going home far earlier in the afternoon than any one would have been allowed to go home, like three days in a row. What was he going to do? Fire me? I think I lasted a total of 4 days.  When I was younger, I was totally able to hang in there. Now? Nah.
  But in an office, its always roughly 70 degrees. Sometimes warmer, sometimes colder. But you know whats great? Cozy sweaters and light cardigans that are easy and manageable to take on a off, which leads me to my next point...

#2. Dresses are work appropriate.
   I have never ever ever in my entire life gone to work in a dress prior to this job, and I am not in any way exaggerating. Going to work in a dress is like going to work in pajamas, as far as I am concerned. It is so comfortable, non constricting and happy fun times that I can't even believe it is allowed.  You get to  talk to the other ladies about how nice their dresses are, and sometimes we all find each others prodding upon where said particularly awesome dress was bought. We all then divulge that we are going to leave work that day and immediately go and buy that dress, because it is so awesome. Some of us even try to consider ways to get out of work early so that they can go and buy that dress. Nothing is better than having your coworker say 'I like your dress.' Its like 'duh'. This shit is bananas.
  I come from a place where if I wore a dress to work, for one I'd get sent home to change. And two, I'd get sexually harassed and or assaulted. For sure.

#3. Comfy ass desk chair.
  This is both problematic and awesomematic. Problematic in that my ass is most certainly going to get larger. Awesomematic in that my feet don't kill at the end of the day and I get the comfort of sitting down. I don't think I ever clocked in any significant amount of time in my last job on a chair. And you know what? Sometimes sitting down in AWESOME.

#4. Lunch
  Lunch at my last job was great for only a short while and other wise sucked. For a small window I worked with a couple of great guys, and the best part of the day was sitting down and eating an awesome lunch. I even had one of those great guys on the vegan lunch bus for almost the entire duration of our working together. Those were the days. And then lunch turned into me trying to avoid spending time with a certain so and so, and never eating much at work. Truth is I couldn't really afford to eat lunch anyway.
  But now, lunch rocks. Like I've written about, I've had the comfort, affordability and straight up acceptance at work to not feel like a fuckin' freak for taking on a raw diet. And I even have people to indulge in it with.

     This is what happened when we decided to do smoothie Friday right after me and my coworker decided to take on the raw diet. In that back right corner is a Blendtec Blender. Probably the most awesome blender this world has ever known. The next Friday someone brought in juicer. It was as ridiculous and as awesome as it sounds.

  Simply, I would have never had anything like this happen at my previous job. When I was vegan, I could barely even tell people that I was for fear that I would literally get torn apart and questioned about everything I chose to eat. It was very annoying, kind of embarrassing and quite honestly extremely tiring and for the most part made me not want to eat at work. While I am admittedly no longer a vegan, I do still eat like one almost all of the time, and its just nice to be embraced and not made to feel like a freak for choosing to eat and be what I'm comfortable with. Which leads to my final point...

#5. I work with incredible people.  If I didn't get this job, I wouldn't be as sad and all shook up because I missed the opportunity of being an office manager at a cool company... I'd be upset for the loss of no longer being with the awesome people that I've had the opportunity of working along side of for the past three months. There is definitely something to be said about a good group dynamic at work. It's as important as the work that is happening individually when it comes to a group of collaborators.   When I first got the 'temp' position, I told my boss and director in my interview that I was willing to try it because 'In working with a dozen of really smart people, I have nothing to lose and only everything to gain." And it is the truth.  I might get yelled at by crazy ass people on the phone all day long(seriously, all day long) and have headache projects and a lot thrown on my plate at any given time, but I really do enjoy my job and I get to learn a lot along the way. I feel like this is my 'gimme' from the universe. The past ten months have been a long and unpredictable road.  It's nice to have at least a couple of ducks in a row for once.

Ultimately what I've learned from this is that sometimes you just have to accept something as a really good thing, even if you're not entirely sure what for yet. I finally feel for the first time in a long time that I have a grasp on life. And it just feels right.

So all in all, very happy. And I'm finally no longer stressed the hell out.

This is dedicated to all my peoples in the office. Thanks for keeping me!

Fancy Beer

I'm a classy lady. So classy in fact that I drink beer out of wine glasses.

  First of all, I'm very proud to say that my computer has officially moved back into my studio and out of the kitchen, where it has lived on the table for about the last two months.  This means that I might actually start getting work done again. I'll take it easy on myself about the fact that I have virtually painted nothing in the past two months due to having a new job, and also the fact that it's been winter and crummy and I haven't felt inspired, and I haven't had money to buy new materials, and...what else is a good excuse, oh its been really really cold in my studio room. I hate being cold. I can't paint in the cold.  So watch out people, because my art work is going to begin creeping its way onto the blog, as it should. 

  But back to the beer in the wine glass. 

   So I've been nearly three weeks strong on the mostly raw diet I set out to under take. My coworker and I have been excellent supports for one another, if I do say so myself, virtually feeding one another avocado, practically licking raw almond butter off of one another's hands and gushing over our newest dressing creations and incidental nut cheeses.  And we are feeling good and being all sorts of dorky about the fact that we are like so much better than everyone else because we have the will power to do a raw diet when most people can't. Shit did I type that out loud?

   I've been a juicing machine, I now own a dehydrator, I'm making nut milk, sprouting shit, eating salad like a mother fucker, kicked coffee and soda to the curb, and I am generally feeling quite pleased with myself.  But you know what I just can't shake? Drinky drinks. 

  I love alcoholic beverages. I hate to say it. I know I sound like such an alcoholic, sitting here, drinking beer out of a wine glass, exclaiming my love for alcohol, but DAMMIT. I just love it so. I don't even think I necessarily love getting drunk as much as I do just kicking back at the end of the night with a delicious chilled bev in hand. Something to sort of dull the headaches of the day. As soon as I poured that beer into my wine glass tonight, it was like a fun and spontaneous party had emerged within me. I felt delighted, inspired, calmed and soothed.  You're probably wondering why I really put it into a wine glass. That bottle of Stella Artois would have been sucked down so hard and so quickly in a bottled form that I wouldn't have even enjoyed it. And while a pint glass is appropriate, a wine glass is just more interesting to drink from. And I didn't have any wine.  

  The fact is that it was my full intent to not drink a drop of the stuff all week. I say this every Sunday night, as I sip on my last beer/glass of wine and say "See you Friday, friend." And I usually crash out by about 7pm on Monday. I made it all the way to Wednesday this week! This is nothing short of a miracle! A cause for celebrating in fact! Whats a celebration without imbibing? Water doesn't count!

  And what's more is the fact that Adam received a whopping 75 beers from his Aunt last week. Seventy five beers. Thats a lot of fuckin beer.  She had a surplus sitting in her spare fridge and needed to get rid of it, who better to give it to than the man that went dressed for Halloween as the most believable Bud Man the world has ever seen? Seriously, for a night, I was dating Bud Man. And it was totally ridiculous. 

  There he is in his natural habitat, 18 rack of bud in hand.  The best part is that the lady at the cash register did not even bat an eye lash at this absurdity. I, Dolly Parton, and my boyfriend, Bud Man. And we got no response. She was stone cold. 

  But I digress. Our fridge is one part beer, one part raw vegetables. A bit of a conundrum you see. The raw diet, and juicing specifically, asks a lot of fridge when it comes to space. Even before the beer, the fridge was basically over flowing with vegetation. You'd open the door and shit would literally topple out of the fridge. Now imagine this with 75 beers added to the mix.  It's quite possibly the greatest example of the divergence of our interests in health between my boy friend and I, he with his collection of beer, and I with my collection of vegetables. We're quite the pair, and we are currently making for quite the fridge. 

  So here I am, feeling NOTHING SHORT OF FORCED to drink beer on a Wednesday night. Out of wine glasses no less. Just so I can fit my precious vegetables into the fridge. What is a girl to do?

Dear Coffee, I think we need to take a break.

It's not you, it's me.

In throwing myself into a raw diet, I've had to confront and deal with a very serious addiction. Coffee.  Going throughout my day without cooked foods, no biggie. Getting through the first twenty minutes of my day without coffee? Extremely difficult.
  But its not just the raw diet that is making me reconsider my relationship with the cup.  If I were to break down how much money I spent on coffee on a yearly basis, I'd probably feel kind of sick.  When I worked as a decorative painter, I made pathetic money and often didn't eat lunch while I was on the job as a reflection of my money situation. That being said, you best believe I picked myself up a Grande Soy Misto from Starbucks on my way to work every day. No matter what. Even though I had probably already had a cup of coffee from my own coffee pot at home.
  Besides the blow to my pocket book, I'm concerned about what it's actually doing to my insides. And because I am obviously a freak about what goes in and how it might affect me, it's time for me to do something thats long over due.

Dear Coffee,

    You're probably wondering why I haven't called in a few days.  Listen, I don't know how to say this...it's just that, I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. A lot of thinking about us and our relationship, what we do for one another, how we spend our time together, and I just...See we've been together for a really long time. On and off in fact, for years.
  I remember when I was in high school and I would always come and pick you up at the  7/11. I'd fill you up with all sorts of deliciously flavored creamers.  Remember how we would mix it up? We had the 'Irish Creamer' and the 'Hazelnut'....oh and how could I forget the 'French Vanilla'?  Remember how I used to distinguish you from all my friends cups by sipping you out of one of those little stirring straws? I just wanted you to last....
  We would get together a couple times of day way back when. I'd pick you up before school. And then I'd come and grab you again after school. I have a lot of good memories of you from back in the day. You gave me a reason to get in my car and go do something. Any time of day, we'd go for a drive together, we'd run errands together.  I'd meet up with people, just to then meet up with you.  You gave me a life, coffee.
  Then I went to college and our relationship changed a little bit. I was so far away from the 7/11, so we moved onto Starbucks. Sometimes I'd even go get you in a cool funky coffee place, or from a street vendor. We were a little touch and go at times. That first year in NY, you know its funny, but coffee just wasn't as big a priority for me. I knew you were my crutch, and I was just trying to grow up. Be my own Hayley. I mean, if memory serves, we still spent a lot of time together. But it was an off year for sure.
  And then I moved to Providence. What a roller coaster, you and me. Remember my Sophomore year? When I had the one cup coffee mate and I made you all the time? It was just so easy, you were always available, I had no friends there so I was really bored and I needed you. Remember how we would stay up all night long? I don't even remember what we were doing, but gosh, we were doing it together.  Thank god I had you, coffee. I know, I'm sorry I have to do this. Its when I look back to those times that it becomes so hard to do this....
Anyway, we went on like that all throughout college. Senior year was a bit touch and go for us(all we had was a french press, you know how I feel about those things), until I realized that a really cute guy worked at the Coffee Exchange, and we were back on like we never were before. You gave me a reason to talk to cute guys, and I like really, really appreciated that.  I'd walk down and meet you at the coffee shop, and we'd read a book and you'd help me wash down my snack, and I'd people watch and you'd help me write papers, and it was really really great. Those were the days man.  We were in our prime, you and me. I thought we'd live like that forever.
   So here we are, a few years later and since then we've had our ons and our offs.  And listen I know you don't want to hear it and you always always fight me on it, but I really just need to take a break from you. A long one. Maybe we won't even get back together. I can't guarantee anything. No, please...stop it coffee. You know I want you. Shhhhh. Can't you see this is killing me? I love you too its just...just stop it. No seriously. Stop. Stop it. St. Stt..Sttt...Stttop...Stop it. Don't touch me. 





 

My Juicy Diet

I'm not shy about the fact that I tend to go for very extreme diet plans.  I've been all over the extreme diet spectrum. When I was 16 my entire family(minus my little brother who has an envious ability to shovel in Burger King and only Burger King and never gain a pound) went on the Atkins Diet. I lost a lot of weight, mostly because the diet was so weird that eventually I just stopped eating. When I realized again that I had free will, I quickly gained the weight back. Fast forward five years and I've turned into the nemesis of Dr. Atkins, a vegan. I did the militant vegan thing for a while, and have modified my diet since by adding in fish and the occasional dairy slip up. I still don't eat cheese. Cheese? Who even cares. 

  And in that time of militant veganhood I ventured into raw territory. I was never so nutty as the call myself a raw foodist, however, I did work in a high end raw vegan restaurant in the north end of Boston for a brief spell and most certainly ate an almost completely raw diet for a period of about 3 to 4 months. It amazes me that I ever stopped because I felt so good, light and happy. I was almost certain when I was in the midst of it, that I would never want to stop. That I had found my new way of being.  Working at the restaurant meant that I brought home all sorts of raw goodies that I neither had the time or equipment to make at home. Being a whole hog serious raw foodist requires some serious and expensive appliances. A high speed blender, juicer and a dehydrator are the essentials, and then you get into the fancy knives and food processors and mandolins and nut bags. When I worked at the raw food restaurant, our patrons would make jokes about how the food should be coming out quicker, its not like the chefs had to cook any thing! Were there even chefs back there?  And whether or not the food tasted good was so up to the individual. I for one loved most of the dishes, but thought that some of them tasted like straight up grass and dirt.  Other people might try everything on the menu and be totally grossed out.

But me, I like raw food.

  My coworker and I got on the subject of the raw food diet this past Friday and it got me thinking back to that time that I felt really good and really like what I was eating. After work on Friday I did the super markets run (I can never go to just one) and ended up picking up an insane amount of raw fruits and vegetables. I then went home and began to do my research, looking up why to do raw and juices to make. All of the sudden, I was hooked.

And then I realized that we have three juicers. Three? I have an old one of my mom's thats like enormous and scary looking and I had yet to use it, ever. And now I come to find out that my meat and potatoes boyfriend owns two juicers? It was like a sign. Juice, Hayley. Juice.
 So my juicing odyssey has begun! And my coworker and I have agreed to do raw up until dinner every day this week. I've gotten through day one. Next week, we might try going really extreme and doing whole days. We'll see how this week goes.

Here are my ups and downs to the raw vegan diet:

Down Side ----> Expensive.
This is obviously a down side to the raw vegan diet. At a time when it would be wise for me to not be spending so much freaking money on food, to be spending just a little more on food that just barely fills me seems a bit ludicrous. I'm hoping to balance this out by not drinking.

Not Sure Side-----> Not Drinking.
I can't decide if this is an up or a down side. Right now, its Monday night and I'd really like to celebrate this particular Monday night, like many of the Monday nights before it, with a glass of wine. Let it be said that I, and no one else, is making me feel obliged to not drink while doing this raw food stunt. I don't really care if wine is raw or not. I'm not going to go my whole life without it, but I figure, if you're going to do your body a solid, try to not drink while doing it. I hope my body is listening. I will probably crack tomorrow. If not sooner.

Down Side --------> The weather outside makes me want to eat crap.
This is a much easier diet to start in August than it is in March. It started snowing today. My salad followed by my green juice and my blood orange did not make me feel any better about the snow that was falling all over the place, reminding me that I'm cold, and that my food is cold, and that its totally not what I wanted to eat.

Up Side -------> My skin is kinda glowing
 No lie! My skin is more orangey than usual. Its probably because of the 40 carrots I had to juice to make one glass of carrot juice yesterday.

Down Side ------> My pee smells different.

Up Side ---------> My pee smells different.

Up Side ---------> I do not feel bad about eating a whole avocado all at once.
Did you know that an avocado has at least one million calories in it? Yeah for some reason I don't think that matters when you're on the raw diet.  So I'm gonna eat the heck out of avocados.

Up Side ---------> Juice is delicious
For serious. Juice is like really really yum yum. And yet, I've always felt bad about drinking juice out of those bottles that you buy at the store. They have sugar in them. This makes me sad. But when you're juicing your own juices, there is no sticker on the back of your bottle to tell you how many calories or sugars are in your juice, which means that there must be none.

Down Side ----------> Sometimes juice isn't delicious.
  I'm trying to get into green juices.  I'm slowly getting myself into a serious green juice. I don't know if I'm down with drinking something that straight up tastes like grass and leaves.  But I've been putting kale into my morning fruit smoothies, and it turns it green without making it taste very green. Does that count as a green smoothie? Probably not.

Down Side ------> Juicing takes forever
and ever and ever and ever. No lie. To make about 24 ounces of juice yesterday, I juiced 2 large cucumbers, a pound of carrots, most of a large carton of straw berries, 5 apples, and whole bag of spinach. And it took a long ass time.

Up Side ---------> Eating your meals through a straw is easy.
 Having a stressful day? Don't have time to sit down with a good old fork and knife and laboriously cut your tiny or large bites of something delicious and rewarding?  Don't let eating ruin your work productivity any more! Throw it in a blender and hit blend you time wasting fool! I don't even need to look at my food to eat it anymore. I just whistle it down the hatch while I write my emails and answer the phones.  Easiest way to eat your lunch ever. Get yourself a fun straw or something. Liquid lunch is sooo cool.  But I recommend it be raw foods. I have a feeling chicken parmesan is not going to do well in blended form.

Down Side --------> People will think you are a weirdo.
This needs zero explanation as I assume that most of you already thought I was big weirdo for even having a reason to write about the raw food diet, let alone put myself through one.

Down Side -------> Caffeine and sugar withdrawal
  I hit a point today where my caffeine withdrawal symptoms were so sucky that I could barely talk. This has nothing to do with the raw diet and all to do with the fact that I've become completely addicted to drinking coffee all day and every day. At least 3 cups a day, if not more. That can't be good for you, so I endured the pain of the massive searing all head encompassing throbbing that took over me this afternoon. I did take two advil. They were not raw. And I did not care.

Up Side -------> Raw diet will help you break bad habits
Like drinking coffee, a bottle of wine a day, chewing gum, and soda.

The Up Side....
When all is said and done, I will feel better for having done this. It's cleansing, healthy, and will ultimately help me break all the craptastic habits that have slowly been creeping back into my once immaculate diet. And I might lose a pound or two. Here's to hope!

International Woman's Day

It's International Woman's Day

So I've been reading some blogs today and I've mostly been getting the "Yay! It's woman's day! It sucks to be a woman for blah blah blah reasons and I'm so happy to be reminded of it!" Well you know what? Fuck that noise. Being a girl kicks ass.

I have grown up always knowing that being a woman is an incredibly special thing. You can chalk it up to my mom, a woman who (perhaps like many of your mothers) grew up in a world where choosing to wear pants to school was tantamount to initiating an an anti war rally at your high school today. She instilled in me two very important qualities very early on in life; compassion, which is second to nothing, and a strong and well supported belief that the female gender is absolutely nothing short of the male gender. Especially when it comes to intelligence.

And so off I grew up, always believing, and, well knowing, that woman are essentially much smarter than men.   I know that might sound aggravating to many of you. I know plenty of my readership are men, and I love you. I love you so much in fact. And its not that I think that woman are smarter than men because we have more developed brains, or bigger brains, or anything like that. It's just that, woman know things that men don't.

So I grew up always believing woman were right. And I still do, for the most part.  But I also know this: Woman are cray cray. And its with good reasoning. We have been (divinely) endowed with the glorious position of motherhood and a strong, instinctual regard for life, consideration for safety, survival of our kin and babies, and a general concern for home decor and fashion.

Seriously! Think about it.  Not only are we in charge of making sure the household (or the family unit) is under wraps and headed in the right direction for more prosperous reproduction and caring for our own off spring, we are also absurdly concerned with the way it appears, looks, and comes off to other people, or tribes, or whatever. That can drive a girl crazy, for sure. This isn't about how the rugs match the curtains (heh) or how the candle sticks look with the flower arrangements, its about a general appearance of "'oh, that woman has got it together'...sister friend then cups her hands around her mouth and yells in the other woman's direction 'you go girl!'."

I understand and respect that many of you right now think I am taking this in the wrong direction. Like, good job dude...You have gone from having a serious conversation about girl power and all of the sudden you're talking about home decor. How progressive!  But seriously, woman have a right to be concerned about this shit. I know I am. Every time someone comes over I run around like a chicken with my head cut off, cleaning every surface, folding every throw blanket, lighting every candle, hiding everything that I deem inappropriate to have just hanging around in the common areas. It's hard when you begin to acknowledge that certain things are a 'woman's job', and no matter how annoying it seems, we as woman are likely to fall into it.

Kind of like how men will fall victim to taking out the garbage.

Which is okay with me. Certain things are a man's job.  Taking out the garbage is totally one of those jobs in my opinions. And I don't give a fuck what you think about it, dude.

I grew up considering myself a tom boy, which is nothing special in my opinion.  But because I was an awkward kid growing up, didn't have many girl friends, only really connected with the boys, it was just my place. Which is a good thing, because it made me an excellent little worker for my father. A young artist who was not afraid to get dirty and perhaps break a nail or get scraped up (my first summer I worked with a broken hand in a cast, for instance), it was no surprise when I started working for my dad. I began when I was 13 and kept it up till I was in college. I would work school breaks, summer breaks, whenever was a good a time for me to get in there and make a few bucks. Because while my mom taught me an appreciation for love and compassion, my dad taught me an appreciation for money. And holy shit do I love money. About as much as I love compassion. And thats saying a lot. Cause I love the shit out of compassion.

So I've spent a lot of my life working around men. I even went on to take a decorative painters position up here in MA. I held onto that job for year, which gave me all sorts of wonderful experience in working with men.

This is where I can deduce, with nothing but complete certainty, that men are kind of idiots.

I say kind of, because I love men. I love you.  And I know that we woman are idiots, too, sometimes. But men, you boys...you're something else!

Ladies - how many of you have been privy to the inside outs of construction site? Where you are the lone girl amongst as many as two dozen men at any time...before you begin to fantasize about how awesome this might be (and don't get me wrong, it has its moments : ) ), understand that men who aren't used to being around woman at work act like IDIOTS. And I'm not saying this as someone who has just merely been on a construction site once or twice. I have done months at a time, working for both my father and the decorative paint company, working on big constructions sites. Its a shit show. And it is quite clear to me why most men won't hire woman to work for them, it ain't worth it. Having a woman on site means trouble.  And it's not the womans fault. Men can't handle it. MEN CANT HANDLE IT. AND I REFUSE TO THINK ANY DIFFERENTLY ABOUT THIS. CAPITOL LETTERS MOTHER FUCKER. YAH HEAR ME?

It's just that, gosh dudes. Can't you just try and ignore that men and woman 'go together.' Can't we just be equals? Can't we just work side by side? Can't you just look at me and for one minute without an ounce of irony just think to yourself 'you go girl!'

I've gotten a little off track. I wanted to talk about how awesome it is being a girl. So I'm going to back track now. I guess I just needed to my moment to complain. Oops. My B. Lets be awesome now.

Being a woman means that (hopefully) you have great woman friends. And this is up to you. Be a great lady, or a great human being in general, and you can attract great girls to your side. Great ladies are your number one asset in life. Currently I have more good girl friends than I have ever had in my life before, and I am benefitting big time because of it. Hopefully you are lucky enough to have a great mom, or otherwise you are lucky enough to have an incredible Aunt, or Grandma, or friend of your family, sister, or best female friend that will play the part. Do Not Be a girl that is too cool for school. Girl friends are where it is at. Forget the boys. They are cute but they are fleeting. Collect your girls. Treat them well. Honor them.

Girls are smart. We are born into this world with many sets of innate skills. We know how to care for ourselves and people. We come pre installed with incredible amounts of intuition, love, compassion and devotion to those around us. Don't be afraid to cultivate these traits.

Girls are given all the gifts that men are given, but we are unfortunately persuaded to not cultivate them the way boys are. Be strong. Be physical and active. Be scientific and mathematical. Don't let society dictate the kind of person you will be. Perseverance makes us strong. We have had a shit storm of human history against our progress, and we are better people for it.
Because even in the face of all that sucks about womanhood, I love being a girl. Even when I have my period. Even when I am bloated by said period beyond belief. Even when I am getting cat called. Even when I take a moment to think about how far my mothers generation has had to come to be where they are, making 80 cents for every mans dollar. Even when I am the victim of lame ass but effective advertising for women. Even when I am camping and can't just easily take a piss out doors. Even when I was on a job site and I'd have to use the same god damn port-o-johns that all the men do (even though thats technically ILLEGAL). Even when I am not given my due rights. Even when I am treated as unequal.  Even when I was constantly insulted by other contractors on jobs who assumed I didn't know what the fuck I was doing, even though I had way more experience in my given trade than they have ever had. Even when I am probably going to be penalized and disadvantaged in my career for being selfish enough to have my own children. Even when my own government decides that I do not have the right to decide my own fate when it comes to family planning. Even when my government wants to control what I do with my womb, but doesn't care or want to help me when my child is out of the womb.
Even when I know I getting stared at and gazed at when I don't want to. Even when I know that men are not taking me seriously, for whatever unfounded reason. Even when I feel like I am being judged for my looks more than my intelligence. Even when I know and understand about what happens to less fortunate woman in other countries all over the world at this very moment. Even when I know that we have existed for as long as our male counterparts and have just barely begun our ascension towards greatness. Even when I know that there have been 44 male American presidents but no woman presidents in the 'alleged' greatest country in the world. Even when I know that we have to work so much harder and have to prove so much more just to be considered equal.

I love being a woman.

And I wouldn't trade it for anything. And I hope that the woman I alluded to in less fortunate places can say the same thing. There is something eternally excellent and beautiful about being female. The experience of being feminine is special. Of being aware of the woman before me. Of understanding that every generation of woman before me has paved a way for me to be who I am. Of being connected to a body that essential to the progression of our species. Of breast and vaginas, hips and soft skin. Of looking in the mirror and hopefully finding a way to love yourself and your body, no matter what the cues and hints from cultural bullshit.  Of knowing how bad ass it is to not let anyone else get you down, or going above expectations like it ain't no big thang.  Of being tough, and rugged, and self sufficient and hardcore. Of never even thinking twice about what you will and can do in your life.

And I will continue to always believe we are equal. I am so proud and happy to have been brought up in a world(my world, or a bubble, or an idealistic microcosm, what have you) that has always praised woman and chosen to look at our innate and very palpable abilities as well as our accomplishments. I have always been raised as a capable and complete human being. And I happen to be a chick. Does that make sense?


Thanks Mom.

             Did you know there is a Rosie the Riveter High School in California? Its an all girls trade school. So cool.