25 and Alive!

This Sunday, on January 16th, I will be turning 25.

I am going to continue living till I am 100 years old. I've had this in my mind for years now so I don't think its out of the question, or that crazy. The power of positivity, right? I exercise on the regular, I eat immaculately, and "I don't smoke" (very effectively said with air quotes) and "I'm not an alcoholic".

Sorry, I had just had to pause to take a massive gulp of wine, which I spilled on my face and onto my lap. Common occurrence 'round these parts, nothing to see here...

So I'm going to make it till I'm triple digits deep, at least. I just know it! I come from a long line of good genetics, my people live fairly long lives, and with the curve of me being young at a time when advancements in medicine and technology are only getting more and more progressive by the hour, I think the odds are in my favor, and in many of our favors, to live longer and longer lives...right?

I'm digressing slightly, because I set out to write about the experience of turning one quarter century, not about living a century. I've been excited about turning 25 now for quite some time...I know you're supposed to look forward to every year, but something about 25 just sings to me. This is going to be my year, I'm putting it out there. This year is going to be awesome. Things...something....will happen for me. I already have it pretty good, but I know its going to get better.

I don't like to predict, or assume things about my future. However, I'm in the mood for some self prophesizing(yep, made that word up). Here is a list of the top ten things I'd like to see happen in my 25th year.

#1. Make buckets and buckets and buckets of money.
This year I'm going to make money hand over fist.  I don't know how, but I am confident that this year I'm going to be a self made rich person lady. I'm gonna be taking private jets back home to Long Island, where I will walk the streets of my humble home town and just hand out money to all the homeless people. And as I walk, people will approach me. They will want to know me, because people always want to know people with money. I will eat fresh sushi everyday, sometimes twice.  I will wear a pair of underwear, and instead of washing it for reuse, I will simply toss them into the garbage can and wait for my maid to throw them out. Better yet, I won't even throw them in the can. I will do that very lazy move where you pull of your pants and your underwear off at the same time and just leave them where they lie, for my maid to decipher with. And if she dares throw away my pants, along with the undies, that bitch is fired.

#2. I will adopt two white cats. They will be identical twins, and only I will be able to tell the difference between the two of them. They will be boys, and their names will be Chip and Barry. They will be perfect and they will meow on command. They will also be hypo-allergenic. They will enjoy play dates with other cats and joining me on vacation. They will never pee in my bed. I will get them when they are only three minutes old and I will nurse them to adulthood, ensuring that I get as many minutes of cute kitten time as possible, and they will obviously come to work with me.

#3. I will start my own business.  But it won't be business-y. I'm basically going to sit around in my studio creating greeting cards and stationary, and someone out there will realize I am a visual genius and make is so that all the stores want to sell my stuff. I will be the toast of the stationary world, and I will have my own warehouse to produce and ship out all of the stationary, and everyone will want to work there. Why, you ask? Because I offer competitive pay and full benefits, obvs! And also because my stationary is going to KICK ASS. Everyone will be allowed and encouraged to bring their cats to work, Also, everyone will be allowed to wear whatever they want, if anything at all, and there will be unlimited free fountain soda and a very nice looking salad bar. Nice salad bars are awesome.

#4. I will meet Mo Rocca and we will become best friends instantly.

#5. I will produce and star in the long awaited and highly anticipated stage production of Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robot. This should have happened during Playfest when I was in high school, but I guess shit doesn't always work out the way you want it to. Yeah, still annoyed by that one. Oh hey, I'm 25 now. Still mad.

#6. I will learn how to play guitar and will make a You Tube video of me doing an acoustic version of Eminem/Rihanna's song "Love the way you lie". The video will go viral and I will become an internet sensation over night. Everyone will know me and I will be asked to do the talk show circuit. At the MTV Music Video Awards, I will surprise everyone by introducing Eminem and Rihanna's performance by doing my own acoustic version before they come out. I will make a political statement with my performance by coming out dressed up as a salad.

#7. I will get my own show on NPR and although it won't do well on air, it will become a podcast phenomenon. The show will be about pop culture, but I will mostly just be doing impressions of other more famous NPR personalities. The show will be cancelled, but the fans will bring it back and I will continue only in podcasts. My show will become raunchier and more subversive. I will be an underground hero. NPR will be mad at me, but I will always love them, forever.

#8. I will go on vacation with Adam to South Dakota to do more camping in Custer State Park. On our drive out there, we will see a large hill and we will go dig a hole in it because we have a feeling. We will discover a completely preserved dinosaur skeleton of a variety that has never been seen before. Adam will fulfill his dream of becoming an amateur paleontologist, and I will be happy for him.

#9. I will pack a small bag with all the essentials and get on my bike. I will ride it all the way to San Francisco. It will take a very long time and I will want to give up many times, but I will not. At every town I pass through, bystanders will line the street urging me on. They will all be wearing t-shirts with my face on the front and line on the back stating where they were when they witnessed the bike riding phenomenon of 2011.

#10. I will be a guest host on the View, and after one appearance, they will get rid of Elizabeth Hasselback and invite me to a be a regular host. My life will be complete when I use whatever clout I have to get The Talk cancelled.




A girl can dream, right?