Hot damn am I sick.
I walked off of the flying petrie dish of a plane that took me from Denver to Boston with that tell tale tickle in the back of my throat. When the coughing commenced, I knew I was in trouble.
This has been an unusually sicky season for me. I've gone whole winters without so much as a sniffle and since September I've been sick three times. Its always the same cold symptoms crap. This is the first one this year that I actually have health insurance to remedy it with, but I really don't think I need to waste my time and a co-pay to have someone tell me to drink more fluids and get plenty of rest. I've got this whole sick thing down.
Which I why I'm going to give you my tried and true recipe for an awesome sick day.
The first step is to pick one very comfortable sweats outfit that you are going to live in for the next two or three days. Choose the biggest clothing you have, this will allow you to at least feel like your having a skinny day when you're at your worst. Right now I may be dripping with mucus and have red and dry chappy face, but I'm so consumed by soft fabric that I feel like a petite little princess.
Next, you must find someone to be your sick bitch. The best scenario is to live with your boyfriend or girlfriend because without even realizing it and getting annoyed with you, they will assume the roll of the sick bitch. They will do everything for you. They will go to the store and buy you soup. They will bring to you glass upon mug upon cup of whatever liquid you desire. They will not judge you for wearing the same sweat pants for three days in a row. If you don't live with a boyfriend or girlfriend, well, then I'm afraid your shit out of luck, and you should try really really hard to not get sick ever.
No matter who you live with, its imperative that you walk around the house moaning and making "waaaaaahhhhhaaaaaahhhhhhaaaaaahhhhaaaaaa" sounds. Now is the time to soak up all of the sympathy you can get, because having a cold is the only time that it is acceptable to act like a total baby. It also feels nice to get a little bit of attention. Get on all fours and crawl around on the floor in front of the TV, acting like a waahhhhmbulance. Whoever is the room will totally pity you.
Do yourself a solid and buy those tissues that have the aloe in it. For a serious cold, the regular old tissues will not do. I failed to pick some up last night when I went on a CVS run, and now all I have left for a nose is an open sore of sadness and regret.
Also, while at CVS, treat yourself. Buy a bunch of magazines cause being sick is boring. I, along with failing to buy aloe soaked tissues, neglected to also pick up magazines. And guess what? Totally bored. I FAILED.
Do not be afraid to wash that Nyquil down with a beer. I know the instructions say not to, and that it can cause liver damage, and blahblahblah, but it feels so, sooo good to ignore the directions sometimes. And lets face it, beer is the only true way to wash down that nasty green flavored liquid. Seriously, why can't they make cough medicines taste better? Ya know, they can put a man on the moon....
Use your sick day to the fullest and catch up on whatever shitty TV you feel to embarrassed to watch in your normal everyday life. This sick day is about YOU! And The Jersey Shore! And America's Next Top Model! Or maybe its about Rock of Love Bus. Watching 6 hours of a really stupid show on marathon is one of the best things about being sick. No one can tell you not to do it, not even yourself.
Shower at least 4 times a day. Its the only way to get all the boogies out. Or just sit in the bathroom and turn the hot water on and let the room fill up with steam. Who cares if you're wasting water? Remember, this sick day is about YOU!
Call your mom or your best friend and whine a little bit.
Sustain yourself on oatmeal, and oatmeal alone. But put a little bit (or a lot) or maple syrup in it. It will make you happier.
Drink a lot of water. No brainer.
And get lots of rest. In fact, try not to do anything. Don't exert yourself in the slightest. Don't clean up after yourself, don't make your own food if you don't have to. Try and track down a whistle you can blow for when you need something. Eventually, someone will come and take care of you. Grab a harmonica, and if you can stand to breathe deep enough to make it sound, write yourself a tune about the old cold blues.
I walked off of the flying petrie dish of a plane that took me from Denver to Boston with that tell tale tickle in the back of my throat. When the coughing commenced, I knew I was in trouble.
This has been an unusually sicky season for me. I've gone whole winters without so much as a sniffle and since September I've been sick three times. Its always the same cold symptoms crap. This is the first one this year that I actually have health insurance to remedy it with, but I really don't think I need to waste my time and a co-pay to have someone tell me to drink more fluids and get plenty of rest. I've got this whole sick thing down.
Which I why I'm going to give you my tried and true recipe for an awesome sick day.
The first step is to pick one very comfortable sweats outfit that you are going to live in for the next two or three days. Choose the biggest clothing you have, this will allow you to at least feel like your having a skinny day when you're at your worst. Right now I may be dripping with mucus and have red and dry chappy face, but I'm so consumed by soft fabric that I feel like a petite little princess.
Next, you must find someone to be your sick bitch. The best scenario is to live with your boyfriend or girlfriend because without even realizing it and getting annoyed with you, they will assume the roll of the sick bitch. They will do everything for you. They will go to the store and buy you soup. They will bring to you glass upon mug upon cup of whatever liquid you desire. They will not judge you for wearing the same sweat pants for three days in a row. If you don't live with a boyfriend or girlfriend, well, then I'm afraid your shit out of luck, and you should try really really hard to not get sick ever.
No matter who you live with, its imperative that you walk around the house moaning and making "waaaaaahhhhhaaaaaahhhhhhaaaaaahhhhaaaaaa" sounds. Now is the time to soak up all of the sympathy you can get, because having a cold is the only time that it is acceptable to act like a total baby. It also feels nice to get a little bit of attention. Get on all fours and crawl around on the floor in front of the TV, acting like a waahhhhmbulance. Whoever is the room will totally pity you.
Do yourself a solid and buy those tissues that have the aloe in it. For a serious cold, the regular old tissues will not do. I failed to pick some up last night when I went on a CVS run, and now all I have left for a nose is an open sore of sadness and regret.
Also, while at CVS, treat yourself. Buy a bunch of magazines cause being sick is boring. I, along with failing to buy aloe soaked tissues, neglected to also pick up magazines. And guess what? Totally bored. I FAILED.
Do not be afraid to wash that Nyquil down with a beer. I know the instructions say not to, and that it can cause liver damage, and blahblahblah, but it feels so, sooo good to ignore the directions sometimes. And lets face it, beer is the only true way to wash down that nasty green flavored liquid. Seriously, why can't they make cough medicines taste better? Ya know, they can put a man on the moon....
Use your sick day to the fullest and catch up on whatever shitty TV you feel to embarrassed to watch in your normal everyday life. This sick day is about YOU! And The Jersey Shore! And America's Next Top Model! Or maybe its about Rock of Love Bus. Watching 6 hours of a really stupid show on marathon is one of the best things about being sick. No one can tell you not to do it, not even yourself.
Shower at least 4 times a day. Its the only way to get all the boogies out. Or just sit in the bathroom and turn the hot water on and let the room fill up with steam. Who cares if you're wasting water? Remember, this sick day is about YOU!
Call your mom or your best friend and whine a little bit.
Sustain yourself on oatmeal, and oatmeal alone. But put a little bit (or a lot) or maple syrup in it. It will make you happier.
Drink a lot of water. No brainer.
And get lots of rest. In fact, try not to do anything. Don't exert yourself in the slightest. Don't clean up after yourself, don't make your own food if you don't have to. Try and track down a whistle you can blow for when you need something. Eventually, someone will come and take care of you. Grab a harmonica, and if you can stand to breathe deep enough to make it sound, write yourself a tune about the old cold blues.
Pei pa koa is pretty decent cough medicine (from herbal as I remembered), great non alcoholic medicine, some western cough medicine are more effective, but this is non drowsy.
ReplyDeleteYou can access info online @
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nin_Jiom_Pei_Pa_Koa
ninjiom.50webs.com